As we are all aware, comfort and security are at odds with excitement and mystery. But when it’s about relationships, we want all of them combined in one person. That’s one of the reasons why relationships are complicated. So, how do you keep passion alive in your relationship?
Psychotherapist Esther Perel is an expert in sex and relationships. She traveled the world to ask couples when they feel more drawn to their partner. She found out that imagination is the keyword associated with desire.
When we are not close to our partners, our mind is free to wander and imagine him/her in a different situation. Thus, our passion wakes up. This doesn’t mean that desire can be triggered just when our partner is traveling or when we don’t see him/her for days. Even a comfortable distance can do the trick. For example, some women, interviewed by Perel, mentioned that the view of their partner at work with suit and tie has the power to arouse desire.
Marcel Proust said, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands but seeing with new eyes.” So, when we look at our partner from a distance and see him/her in a different situation, radiant and confident, our sense of wonder gets teased and connects with our sleepy passion. When we go pick up our partner at work, we see him/her in a new environment, and this sense of novelty also creates attraction.
Perel believes that sex is not something we do, but it’s a place we go. It’s a place where we find more than the physical act. We bring a different part of us into the bedroom. For some people, sex is a spiritual experience. For others, it brings out their playful side and naughtiness. These different sides of us create a sense of mystery and curiosity. Hence giving vitality to the relationship and helping to keep passion alive.
You don’t need to break the bank and book a trip with your girlfriends to create distance—there are tricks you can use in your daily life to keep passion alive:
Keep the mystery
If you have been in a relationship for a while, you feel probably at ease walking around naked around your partner. If passion needs imagination and mystery to survive, seeing each other naked in a non-sexual moment creates a habit and kills the sense of wonder. When you go to the bathroom, and your partner is in the house, close the door whatever the activity is. Even if you are putting on makeup, keep the secret of how you do it. Surprise your partner with the final result.
Show that you are independent
Many couples do everything together and go out with the same friends. This is another factor that can contribute to reducing desire in the long-term. Independence is sexy because it creates that space needed for desire to grow. Keep and maintain your own interests and friends. By showing that you have other interests to your partner, then he/she will enjoy the discovery. However, independence can trigger possessiveness in some partners. If that is the case, then honestly, you may need to find someone who is more confident with themselves. They shouldn’t be afraid to lose you just because you go out without him/her.
Plan date nights
Date nights are essential to the survival of a relationship and will help keep passion alive. Ideally, if you can afford it, you should go out once a week to try a new restaurant, or get a cocktail. If you have kids and you don’t have a nanny, or you can’t afford to go out once a week, try at least once a month. Date nights are a great way to introduce novelty in the relationship.
Show different sides of your personality
Our personality has many different shades, and it’s important to use all of them to color the relationship. Playfulness is essential to the vitality of a relationship—and not just in the bedroom. Laughing is sexy and good for relationships because it releases stress, puts us in a good mood, and releases inhibitions. Humor will certainly help to keep passion alive in your relationship.
The bottom line is that desire needs space, big or small. Imagination, mystery, and curiosity can be triggered in many different ways, and they are important allies of passion.
Feature photo: Parker Whitson/Unsplash